| Hello, Old Year's Night. |
[31 Dec 2009|05:14am] |
It is 4:30 in the god damn morning. Do you know where your Lily is? AT WORK. Yeah, our early morning opener girl had a family emergency and I stepped up to cover no more than two of her shifts a week until she comes back. I went to bed at 8pm last night after a sponge bath and a couple episodes of Matlock... I actually don't mind this shift right now for some reason. It's pretty quiet and since I haven't had internet set up at THE NEW PLACE (*CHEERING CROWD SOUNDS*) this is pretty much my only chance to update.
Wednesday was filled with crazy - Dillon and Evie drove up to help me move and we got pretty much everything done in one full day. Those kids are awesome <3 and THE NEW PLACE (*CHEERING CROWD SOUNDS*) is amazing... clean, nice layout, great location and the perfect size (for me and kitteh. OH, my neighbor is a crazy cat lady too!). Maybe I'll take some pictures. I haven't had time to unpack anything yet; it's a roulette every time I open a bag or box. Will I find what I need in there? Or will I have to leap frog to every container in eyeshot...
Rachel Ehrlich and I met up for the first time in 3+ years on Wednesday. She helped me move too, haha, what a trooper. We all went to Mellow Mushroom, then Rachel and I had our piercing date:
This one is TOTALLY WORTH the inconvenient soreness/swelling/difficulty eating. I love it. I can't wait til the swelling goes down and I go back to get the bar downsized. For now I eat popsicles and chew ice constantly. My speech is pretty normal and I'd say it'll be perfect when my tongue isn't like a bursting sausage. On the pain scale it was pretty intense, but not as bad as the navel, and nothing like the conchs. Hooray for Bink's skilled piercer, Marina, who said I have a long enough tongue to easily do multiples. And hooray for coaching Rachel through her super classy piercing. :D
Yayyyy, something to take my mind off of how much I suck athletically right now.
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| du musst trotz aller schwerigkeiten zuneigung und liebe zeigen! |
[30 Dec 2009|01:24am] |
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music |
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Sido - Augen Auf |
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I leave for Orlando tomorrow, to ring in the New Year with Denny. Super Pumped. I have at least ONE platonic straight guy friend?
K-Stew is still with the freshman prude thing. Obviously, it isn't my place to say "do this" but I feel like he is cheating on her emotionally with me, and there has been serious talk of him coming to visit in a non-platonic "my side of the bed shoo" sort of way. I know how hard it is to reject someone, dump them, whatever... even if its been a while and i'm terrible about it. (At least I didn't have to dump James. Although, I feel that he shouldn't have been surprised I'd leave him. I had one condition, and despite believing that love should be unconditional, I wasn't completely in love with him because I didn't completely trust him. Self-fulfilling prophesy and all that.) Back to K-Stew - I really feel like its cheating because if I had a boyfriend behave that way, I WOULD feel betrayed, on so many levels. But if he's unhappy and feels their communication has fallen apart over break, she probably has too. What, is he going to wait for her to break up with him first? Way to be a man and not a coward *eyeroll*. :(
Meanwhile, this kid Foster has been talking to me.... I mean, I texted him first so it is obviously partly my fault but. Here are the issues, in order of importance:
1) He "txts lyk this even tho he haz a qwerty fone n asks me wut u up 2 silly" like a 14 year old girl.
2) I'm really over the "tattoos-piercings-skater" boy cliché, been there, done that, paid the bill and left.
3) He's FIVE FOOT SIX. Listen son, either you have the inches where it counts or... no. Actually thats not even enough. If I wear heels, I am 6" taller than you. We cannot be more than friends. You are a little tiny thing, I am a giant with a big head.
4) He's a musician...? Add this to the cliché mentioned in point two.
5) He claims he is also a writer or was working on a novel. See point number one on why this repulses me.
6) Now I'm not against piercings, assuming you are in a career path where it wont interfere with your advancement or success. But a labret? All I can think about with any mouth piercings are the germs. I've never seen someone with a mouth piercing who didnt play with it constantly - tongue piercings, James' labret, monroes, all of it, and Julia's lipring. That too. If he only had the gauges, this point wouldnt be relevant.
7) Stop fucking calling me silly. Seriously. You DO NOT know me and do not know if i am goofy or not. I appreciate the attempt for a pet name, but don't force it.
In other news, I took myself to see Sherlock Holmes tonight after work and it was AWESOME.
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[29 Dec 2009|05:20pm] |
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I now live in Tennessee :D
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[28 Dec 2009|01:25pm] |
Today I did something I haven't done in a long time - gave up on a workout. Just fucking walked out... and I feel utterly fucking worthless, a failure of a weightlifter and a pathetic excuse for an athlete. I almost broke down at the top of the stairs as I went to put away my plates. Think of that one thing that just makes you feel like absolute trash of a human being, that one person you can't please, the one regret you have because you fucked something up... this is mine. Yeah, when I can't even clean 135 and every weight sickens me, my self-worth plummets. I am so bound by my success in the weight room that it actually dictates my quality of life and whether or not I feel like getting out of bed the next day.
Gerald, the main Group X coordinator at the gym and one of the first people I met, THREE OF MY COWORKERS told me today that I look like I'm losing weight, and FUCK, I know I am. I have got to get back on cycle or everything is going to slip away. And I'll lose myself if I lose my lifts. This is so fucked up. My priorities are so warped, but I don't care - the physical weakness absolutely kills my spirit.
It discourages me even more to think that the same shit happened in high school under a different facade of control. I felt like a failure every day for eating and I had to weigh in under a hundred pounds or I was also worthless. I HAVE LEARNED NOTHING AND I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH - this is just a different form of the same mania. I still allow the physical to have power over me AND FOR WHAT. I'm in an abusive relationship with my god damn self. At the same time, I get sick of my own neurotic fucking bullshit and always end entries like this with an apology. This time, I don't care. It hurts so badly to know that I've failed him by being such a weak little girl.
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[28 Dec 2009|12:46am] |
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dump your girlfriend already and come be with me!!!! we both know its what you want!
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| I'm officially allergic to Lakeland - |
[24 Dec 2009|05:54pm] |
For the past several days I've woken up with a stuffy, sneezing face. My allergies never act up like this when I'm in Tallahassee. Yesterday I went to lift at Gold's and it borderline sucked and I feel weak, but the bars really are heavier. And I've definitely developed a mental block on working out there. Brian Strickland advised me against All-American (apparently the owner is a dick) and told me to go to Deb's if I want to powerlift. Sounds good; I wish I could lift tomorrow, but nothing will be open... fucking holidays (BAH HUMBUG). Alright, so then I spent way too long in a salon full of pretentious, small-minded women who rather masterfully fixed my hot roots while looking at me sideways with expressions that said it was painfully obvious I don't go into salons very often. While that's true, I reserve the right to (cattily) point out I had the best body in the house and they were staring at my ass.
Tuesday Mom, Dillon and I went to see a doctor who could ask the right questions. A couple weeks ago my angry, confused teenage brother did the adult thing and saw this doctor at the urging of another doctor who prescribes his ADHD medication. He has tried several different drugs and dosages to no avail - if they work, they fuck with his system terribly. There's more to it, but I'll leave the psychoanalysis under the surface. So, I suggested we all go in together when I came home for Christmas... it was a really productive and positive thing. Three years later we are all still consumed (I wish you could know it).
The real point of this entry is change:
This is the last picture I took of Lucy in the car on our way to give her to my mom's good friend Christina (the one who got me the first live modeling gig with Henry Asencio), who flies back to Chicago on Friday. Lucy is gone now, and I would've never imagined mom to want to find her a new home. She is a very high maintenance dog, and mom just simply got tired of it... of course, living away from home I don't have to deal with it, so I feel the lingering attachment of but that was dad's little dog. At least I got to see her again, and she knows Christina and her small Dachshund as opposed to us giving her to a stranger. Still, I hope she doesn't cry too much.
Mom and Dillon are set against me with two options for Emma: either I take her back to Tallahassee with me, or we put her down. She's old, but not staggeringly ill, and I'm avoiding thinking about it.
Night before last I saw Brian Bingham for the first time in just over two years. I'll see him again at some point tomorrow and it might be the last for another very long time as he's going to BYU.
It's Christmas Eve - mom and Francisco are in her room, Dillon is with his girlfriend and here I am in this hopeless, heavy house with my sad music. At least Piper is here. Fucking holidays.
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| La la laaaaa |
[23 Dec 2009|05:30am] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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Rishloo - Feathergun in the Garden of the Sun |
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--OKAY I know this is really long but come on, I post like once a month. So the 3 of you or whatever that I still have on lj that actually get on can suck it up and read my beautiful heartfelt words of inspiration and stuff. SUCK IT UP.
--
I always post on LJ when I've had way too much caffeine and I'm up super late because my mind and heart are racing and I can't sleep and there's no one up to talk to.
Butttt hey whatever works.
Xmas breaaaak is actually going alright for me so far. People keep asking me how things are going at UNF and the more I say it out loud the more I realize how AMAZING it is up there and what an incredible time I am having. Since I started spending more time out of my room and on the internet towards the end of the semester especially. I have met some really amazing people in the music department. Some of the most genuine and nice people I've ever met that I can be really proud to say I'm friends with. And I can honestly say I have a best friend which is something I haven't been able to do in years. And of course it's nice to not make myself feel guilty about HAVING friends and spending time with them buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut lets not get into that.
The past year was a hump I've had to get over based on poor choices that I made myself and it worked out how it did and I'm glad with where it's landed me so that's that. Anyway it's just really nice to be outside of polk county and away from the level of ignorance that basically just bleeds out of almost every single person around here. And it's like the longer you've lived here the worse it is. Scary really. I feel like I've had the first intelligent conversations that I've had since I left new york. Other than maybe with Brad and Chase, who are two of the few people from here I can genuinely say understand me and know me and I'm glad to call them my good friends.
And the musical environment is just wonderful. I've always been used to being like Mr king-of-the-castle as far as bass playing in High school and at PCC and I'm sure I let it go to my head a bit, but jazz is like a completely new monster that I'm tackling now, and it definitely shows, and I'm just entirely new to everything and a lot of people there have been doing it since like middle school and earlier, but none of them are big headed about it at all, and everyone is really helpful and I don't know. It's just a really nice feeling to be with those people and make music with them, and it's really exciting for me to learn something new for the first time in probably like 3 years. It's like discovering my instrument all over again and getting back to where I want to play all the time and just keep getting better.
And as far as being home goes, it has its ups and downs. My relationship with my mom, which has never been bad at all--I've always gotten along with both my parents really well, but towards the end of last year it became obvious that my mom and I were just sick of each other and it was really time for me to move out, has gotten a lot better since I've been gone. I feel like it's easier for us to discuss things openly and talk like adults now that I've moved out and been away for a while. I guess that's pretty typical. SHe's married her boyfriend now too, and we're getting along well it seems like. He took me to guitar center today because I wanted a metronome for christmas so he let me pick one out and we talked music and stuff in the car and it was cool. He's definitely a musician and I always feel most comfortable around other musicians and it always feels great talking music with them.
I'm really glad that music is what I've surrounded myself with and that it's what I'm doing with my life. And I will never get sick of shoving it in the face of anyone who thinks I am going no where with my life or will just have a dead end (Or no) job and not make great money. Especially people working their butt off to do something they have NO interest in just because they think they are guaranteed a job and a paycheck. I work AT LEAST as hard as every one of those poor people, but I enjoy every single second of it and it is the most fulfilling and indescribable experience I could possibly imagine, ESPECIALLY sharing that with other people around me who feel exactly the same way. I'm going to do exactly what I love and do a DAMN good job of it until the day I die, whether I am filthy rich or penniless. And I know it's going to continue making me extremely happy and I'm never going to regret it.
Christmas is coming up and when I was thinking about it I realized I want NOTHING. Do you have any idea how amazing that feels? It is WONDERFUL. I asked for a metronome and some music books, and some clothes for the colder Jacksonville climate. But even those I could live without or gradually purchase myself. It's just small things that would be nice to have. And I realized that I'll never really need much at all. When I'm hanging out with Phil in his tiny little cruddy dorm room apartment and we are listening to or playing music or just hanging out playing xbox (Yes I realize that is a material thing bought with excess money, but fuck off let me have the little things I love) I am at my happiest.
It's 5:30 hooooly crap. I'm losing the ability to collaborate my thoughts. I was staring at this for a long time sort of knowing what I wanted to say next but not knowing how to write it so I guess I"ll just quit. This is already super long.
OH WELL.
I feel so wonderful having written all that out and I'm going to go to sleep feeling wonderful and life is wonderful.
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[22 Dec 2009|12:32am] |
Oh my, she is smitten taken.
We Looked Like Giants
-Death Cab
God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime,
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town
When every Thursday I'd brave those mountain passes,
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked.
God damn the black night with all its foul temptations,
I become what I always hated
When I was with you then
We looked like giants in the back of my gray subcompact
Fumbling to make contact
As the others slept inside
And together there
In a shroud of frost, the mountain air
Began to pass from every pane of weathered glass,
And I held you closer than anyone would ever get.
(Do you remember the JAMC?
And reading aloud from magazines
I don't know about you, but I swear on my name they could smell it on me.
I've never been too good with secrets, no...)
Oh, together there
In a shroud of frost, the mountain air
Began to pass through every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer...
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[21 Dec 2009|01:55am] |
i've found someone really great for me, to replace the person that was no good at all.
but i miss the vice already.
sometimes, hell feels better than heaven.
too bad i don't know what heaven really means.
here's to blowing up that stupid rock and hoping the hard place isnt really as hard as i imagine it to be.
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| all about my sloppy snatch. |
[19 Dec 2009|01:01pm] |
Hmm, interesting circumstances leading to me lifting a little later than usual today, so I might as well make this entry while I'm waiting for my shake to digest. Actually, yesterday I trained at 6pm - yes, PM. It was a pretty decent session aside from my presses (read: bench) sucking BALLS, but there's little surprise to be had in that one (coming up: new cycle for the new year, fellas). Got in a nice little chunk of snatch work too which is something I really need. Alright, everyone ready for the onslaught of puns and euphemisms? :D
Like I've said, my snatch needs work. It's sloppy and all over the place. I know I have to practice more than anything, so I've been using my light little 10lb bumpers to pull from the floor - for some reason I find it easier to pull from the floor than from the hang this time around (as opposed to teaching myself to c&j from the hang). Hang snatches are messy too. Either way I just haven't felt that fucking click where I know the form is spot on. I think my problems are in the shrug and catch; I feel like they're not tight enough, like the bar isn't as close to my body as it should be and I'm not getting under it fast enough. I have the first pull pretty much down, but the squat sucks - I can only score a solid snatch in the power position or I lose my balance. I'm partly attributing it to my poor pressing capabilities. Of course I can clean my brains out, but my jerk is more limited. Thus, my snatch should be a little weaker too. I've been getting in some OH squats to help my balance, but they're not extremely strong. Maybe I'll work on it more today. I wish I had the camera so I could record it and watch myself marginally fuck up a snatch... or, better, any lifters up for coaching my snatch? And here we are again, as it all boils back down to WHY ARE THERE NO OLY ATHLETIC CLUBS IN THIS STUPID CITY.
At least my vagina doesn't need coaching. Well, every now and then, but for the most part she's pretty self-sustained.
In other news, we traded in my grandmother's Nissan 350-Z convertible and my little brother finally got his truck. It's a beastly, manly black Dodge Ram... just in time for him to help me move! yay!
Also, the gym is having a company Christmas party tomorrow night and it should be pretty awesome.
Also^2 - hate waiting forever for stupid packages to get here in the stupid mail. hmpf.
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| Life, lately |
[19 Dec 2009|02:15am] |
( Grades )
( I hated my German Prof anyway )
( Stewart's overnight visit )
I'm addicted to 11points.com and mancala.
I went and saw New Moon last night by myself, seeing as Rachel is in Brazil until January 7. I laughed throughout the entire thing. Especially the melodramatic parts meant to get your heartstrings. I'm sure if I were 14, I would be obsessed (team jacob?) with all of its repulsive melodramatic "I won't let you"s and "I'd never do that to you"s bullshit. But it made me happy to see it and drool over a 17 year old and have some mindless entertainment time. I want to see avatar, which apparently is best movie evar according to julia's stoner guy friends. I want to see sherlock holmes and Iron Man 2 (mmmm robert downey jr. does tortured soul so much better because he actually is, poor thing) and whatever nonsense this is about a robin hood movie with russell crowe and is another ridley scott?
What I really really really want
(is less loneliness and more boning).
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[18 Dec 2009|05:08am] |
wow.
i really have no idea what i want.
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